08/05/2003 - 9:42 am
Dear Brittany Murphy:
Hi, Bellevue called, they'd like their straight jacket back. You nut. You freak me out, Brittany. "I just lost my baby fat." Yeah, that was baby fat. It was a whole person that you lost, Brittany. Sure, you were a touch Atlantic City before your new look. You were definitely from Jersey. But, c'mon, you're starting to make Lara Flynn Boyle look positively milk-fed. And, I remember you dancing to Eminem's performance at the MTV whatever awards. I was embarrassed. In my head, I heard you saying to someone later,"We were the only two people in the room." I always get embarrassed at concerts when people act too spiritual. When, I was in college, I went through this granola stage. Birkenstocks, long hair, etc. But, I always smelled good, because, I'm bothered by my own stink as much as anyone else would be bothered. Did I just write, "my own stink?" That's so foul. So, I went to an Indigo Girls concert. I'm not kidding. Do you know they are? They're like the Bon Jovi of Georgia. So, they're playing and all of these people have these looks on their faces...I can't really describe it. Except to say that I was embarrassed. For them. Then, my friends came running out of the Porta-Potty because they thought a cop was about to bust them for smoking a joint, which I thought was so stupid at the time. However, now there's this Public Service Announcement with the kids smoking out at a concert and they're all busted by the fuzz. Yeah, fuzz. So, of course, now I realize how lucky we actually were. Thank God, no one was hurt by our recklessness. I loved "Clueless". But, everyone did. So, I don't even really mention it, because it seems redundant. Like, putting in your Friendster Profile that you like "Donnie Darko". Hey, I think I was one of the 6 fucking people who actually went to the theatre to see that movie. So, shut up. Oh God, Brittany, are you on Friendster? Do you know about Friendster? It is the most fucking amazing thing ever. It's like high school, except now we're in Williamsburg, NY instead of Mobile, AL and people can wield there coolness like a mighty sword. Do you know how many people design pillows? A whole damn lot, that's how many. But, everyone knows that "Donnie Darko" was good- it doesn't SAY anything about you, except that you like the same thing that everyone else likes. Speaking of "Donnie Darko", it's producer, Drew Barrymore, and you in that horrible Penny Marshall confection...Was it my imagination or were you upstaging her like a puppy? Over the top, Brittany. Shame on you. I don't really know what to say about the whole Ashton Kutcher thing. But, that's when I started thinking you were maybe a little crazy. Your smile is like lithium. I LOVE YOUR VOICE ON "KING OF THE HILL"!! Seriously, I think it's like your best work. Luann is awesome. Ashton though, not to label, seems like a homosexual to me. You? Demi Moore? Even without thinking, the question that comes to mind is,"What are you trying to prove?" And, then the answer that comes to mind is,"I'm trying to hide that I'm a homo by dating second and third-tier gay icons. Their shoes are FIERCE." Or, all of America is being Punk'd, which is a term for the guy in prison who takes it, by the way. So, now we're getting ready for this new movie of your's, "Uptown Girls". You look so scary skinny in the ads. I actually wonder who'd win in a fight between you and that little girl, who, by the way, I love. I love Dakota Fanning. Hate "I Am Sam". Love Dakota Fanning. Love Michelle Pfeiffer in "I Am Sam". Hate "I Am Sam". Are you catching my drift? Sean Penn, fuck off. He was doing an "impression" of retarded people, Brittany. He was not playing that part. You, however, are completely organic when playing...different. You're great. I love it when you're pushing Winona Ryder out of your way in the sleeping pills line in "Girl, Interrupted". That's such a great bit. You little ham. The tiniest ham. That's my new name for you. I should write a children's book. I think you should stick to crazies and leave the debutantes to your blander contemporaries. I'm speaking of your Amy Smarts and your Jordana Brewsters and your slew of slack-jawed models that are being hired to speak. In other news, I imagine you to have an obsession with the color pink.
